“
I don’t see people eat food anymore, all I see are numbers
salvation.
This is a tumblelog, kinda like a blog but with short-form, mixed-media posts with stuff I like. Scroll down a bit to start reading, or a bit more to read more about me.
I just want to float out into the atmosphere
Today I went to the doctors. She was really pro active, Tomorrow is the beginning of a new era. It means I have to stay out here for a little longer But whatever makes me better, right?
For once I am excited to live.
“
i love your name, it just rolls off the tongue, fits with my name really well i think. i love the way your cheeks get all chipmunk when you smile, i love little teeth, big teeth, just your smile in general. i love your hands, even though you think there huge i think they’re a perfect size against mine. i love how soft ya are, i love how squishy ya are, i love the way you smell, always, regardless, its never bad. you never look bad. ever. the way you dress is just right in my books, i love your style. its odd, but i actually really like the way your house smells. something about it brings back when i came over for the first time ever baked, such a prominent aspect of that memory. i love the way you grab my face when you kiss me, i love the way you just smile when i look at ya, and always ask “whaaat?” i love how you have an open mind to just about anything and anyone, you embrace my gaming obsession and contrast it with yours, i love it when you bite your bottom lip. i love it when you put your hand between my knees, i love it when you grab my hips when i’m grabbin yours, i love it when you use me to warm you up, i love it when i use you to warm me up even though its not exactly often. I love the way you constantly keep in touch when I’m not with ya, it makes you feel like you’re right here all along. I love the way it seems like we were so similar as awkward adolescence, I think it just makes us all the more similar now. I love the way you always try and get your brother to drive me around even though I’m not down for M.L. taxi cab services & co. I love the way you think I’m such a pet fiend even though you do the same voice I make to your dog (even though I don’t think you notice) I love the way you show off all the little trinkets I give ya. I love the way you draw me badass cards that contain both signs of affection and chrips ahahah. I love the way you play piano as I walk in almost every time, I love the way you look at me when you answer the door, I love the way you copy my nose poke, I love how you hug me from behind, I love how you hop on my skateboard as we walk around, I love the way you look out for my health, and give me shit for smoking (honest to god, without you I wouldn’t have a conscious) I love the way you destroy my pantry, so whenever I go in you always have little remnants of your visit. I love the way you Patrick star on me when I’m too comfy to move, I love the way you jump on me when I roll onto the floor, I love the way you say my name when we pretend to be six. I love how you draw in my sketchbook, it’s a guaranteed way to stay with me forever. I love the way you just have to sit by the fire. I love the way you kill me at smash bros AND cod. and the laaast one for now can be how much i love you for dealing with my odd fondness of my cats.
— My love, my sun.
Today my mother followed me into the bathroom each time so I could not be sick. As we walked around I had to constantly swallow vomit. I had no gum to relieve the putrid taste.
Mm, mexican, hot cocoa, and stomach acid.
I always feel weighed down by my limbs, I feel the end resonating in my bones more and more every day.
I confided my fears in him; he told me I wasn’t allowed to go until I was in that rocking chair next to him.
He is my sweet, sweet angel. A gift I don’t deserve, but am too selfish to ever let go of.
“
it started here, but I sure as hell won’t let it end here
a little elaboration
Tomorrow I am escaping for a month to see my mother
to get better,
to get stronger,
to get happier,
to get fatter?
we will see how that last one goes.
I feel like writing my story will somehow make it easier, this is not really for anyone to read. But really, who cares if you do? I’m no name to a blank face.
It started with an almost romantic obsession with the athletic club.
Wait, no, it started with every fucker that called me fat.
So here’s a little inside edge on me, weight loss.
and i’m still not home free.
now repeat daily.
Consideration:
‘just eat this cake, you’re skin and bones, you need it.’
‘a bowl of soup is good for you, stop worrying about this, dinner isn’t a crime’
The Consumption Process
Beginning :
‘this is delicious why do you sacrifice meals this tasty’
Mid:
‘maybe I should have only had a bite’
End:
‘I can’t believe I convinced myself to do that. Abort mission ABORT MISSION’
Post meal Rationalization:
‘deep breaths, you can always solve this’
Funny, what I thought was fixing me was really just breaking me down.
Every night I mourn the innocence.
I don’t remember the last time I didn’t cry myself to sleep.
Isn’t that a sad existence?
(1/2)
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